I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.