I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
You Might Also Like
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
so, is there a mister shapen head
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.