My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell