The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Passwords are more important than ever.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.