Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap