If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Air conditioning – not a fan
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.