Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*