You Might Also Like
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute