If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
This is a whole mood;
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
ouch
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone: