People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
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fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime