Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I identify as an antique shop.