If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
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Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
my professor scared me for a second
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?