Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
🤭😂
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
and now we wait
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.