Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
*watches the world burn*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.