When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
These are my roll models.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!