Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*