I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
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*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits