Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
They did not miss in the small print
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
No regrets in 2018
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.