Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
You Might Also Like
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u