I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
This is my favorite one of these!
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I’m not wrong
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people