Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
NOT all policemen are strippers.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Breaking news:
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.