Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself