We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Mountain Goat : )
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert