I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Bootstraps
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na