Mummies are just super modest zombies
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You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
best first i’ve ever seen
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy