*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*