Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Selfie
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
new record!
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese