Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
You wish you had this many chins.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or