me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Huge, if true.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.