Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
A wise man once said nothing.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage