ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
😂 amazing answer
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.