Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly