So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
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Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.