Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
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I can’t stop watching this.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I have never related to a cat more
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.