New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’ve had worse
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.