girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I WON A HAM TODAY