*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
You Might Also Like
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”