Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history