“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*aggressively waits in line*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.