What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?