If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
This is why I hate group projects
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.