in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
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I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.