Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
You Might Also Like
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Why is everyone getting married at me
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”