Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???