Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
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Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.