me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?