Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.