I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.