Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her: