Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
You Might Also Like
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.